Heaven Help Me
by Lovetoread75
Summary: After Johnny's death Ponyboy can't go on. Everything reminds him of Johnny. He really misses his friend and he is crushed by how unfair Johnny's life has been. Ponyboy is in pain and his brothers don't know how to help him. Until one day that could've turned out a tragedy changes everything. This is only my 2nd story on here. Please r&r and no flames please.
1. Chapter 1

A/N This is my 2nd story on here. Please read and review. No flames please.

Disclamer: I don't own The Outsiders

I woke up with a pang in my stomach. This is how I woke up every day these days. I felt nauseous, shaky and I had this knot in my

stomach. My days have been filled with one thought and one thought only - Johnny is gone! As lousy as his life was, he still

enjoyed the times he spent with the gang. We'd go to the Dingo or to the movies or to the bawling alleys or to play pinball

machines. Now he can't do any of those things. And I can't do them either, because they will forever remind me of him and just

emphasize that he is not there with me. He can't go for a smoke with me during lunch, he can't sit next to me by the fire at the

lot gazing at the stars. None of it. One thing though literally haunted me - it was his smile. That time when we were in the

burning church saving those kids he was smiling. No more smiles huh Johnnycakes I thought shaking and being miserable. I got up

still shaking and stumbled to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror - I looked like shit. This stupid hair the way we cut it in

Windrixville, but it was Johnny who cut it I thought miserably. I wanted to keep the stupid haircut just because it was something

Johnny did. I had huge bags under my eyes.

All of the sudden I felt a bout of nausea and I started throwing up into the skink while my whole body was shaking violently.

"Pony are you ok in there?" I heard Darry's voice.

"Don't bug me. I'm fine," that's all I said. That's another thing - I can't really talk to my brothers anymore. They try to act like nothing happened, like things should just go on like before. Sure they say they miss Johnny and Dally, but they sure don't act like it. They act like nothing happened, like every day should go on just like before. Now Dally is another matter. I miss him too, but Dally was tough, he could take anything. And besides we always knew he'd end up like that. But sweet, soft Johnnycakes what did he ever do to deserve this? He could never get a break, living with those sick parents of his, always beat up by his parents or the socs. No wonder he didn't do well in school - try to concentrate when you are all beat up and it hurts when you sit down , your head hurts and you hadn't had a decent meal in 24 hours . No he could never get a break. And then on top of it dying when he was just 16 years old so that even the good times he had while hanging out with the gang he can't have that anymore. A sad life with an even sadder ending.

Now, I really had trouble believing in the whole life after death scenario . I've seen too many bad, nasty things happen on this side of town to believe in that. I went to church a few times and deep down I hoped that maybe, just maybe there is life after death, but I really, really doubted it.

"Pony," Darry's voice intruded into my thoughts, "you've been in there forever."

"I said don't bug me," I half yelled back. There was uncomfortable silence after that, but Darry didn't have time to deal with me now and besides what could he really do about it. I heard the door slam as him and Soda took off for work.

I still felt nauseous. I stuck my head in the sink letting cold water flush over my head and neck. I hated waking up nervous and shaky every morning. I hated how it mad me feel. I left the bathroom, grabbed my backpack and headed for the door. Eating, especially in the morning has been out of the question these days. It only made me more nauseous. Both Darry and Soda knew I wasn't eating breakfast , but there was nothing they could do about it.

School - same mundane routine every day. Crowded hallways, walking from classroom to classroom, strange glances from people, whispers behind my back, pointing fingers. Even the teachers acted differently.

I've been sitting in my history class and the teacher kept talking. But I couldn't tell you what she was talking about to save my life. All I was thinking about was that after this I had lunch and during lunch I usually met Johnny by the back entrance and we stood there and smoked. Finally, the bell rang. I grabbed my bag and strolled out as soon as I could. I needed to smoke badly.

I got outside and the first thing I did was lit up. Two-bit came by.

"Hey," he said casually.

"Hey Two-bit." I replied without any enthusiasm in my voice. This was my and Johnny's spot where we used to smoke during lunch break.

"Wanna go grab a sandwich or something?" Two-bit asked as he inhaled the smoke from his cigarette.

"No, I'm good."

"Ok I'm gonna go grab that sandwich," He replied, "see ya around." - And I could almost hear another voice say "see you around" in a low and scratchy voice, his voice, Johnny's voice. This was becoming unbearable.

That's it I got to ditch the rest of the day. I just couldn't stay there. Slowly I started walking towards the exit. I walked for miles thinking and chain-smoking. I walked and walked passing unfamiliar streets with shady buildings with broken windows, some shady looking tatoo shop and a couple of coffee shops. Finally I got tired and headed home.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Ok here is the next chapter. Enjoy and r&r please

The next day the same routine as usual - I woke up nauseous and shaking, I threw up and I didn't eat. I got used to this routine by now. I started walking towards school as usual. I hated school now. I hated how everyone was giving me dirty looks like I was some kind of trash and how everyone was whispering behind my back. Besides, everything reminded me of Johnny - here is where we met up in the morning before school, here is where his home room is, here is his locker and then there was lunch break. I dreaded it now. I had to stand there and smoke all alone thinking of him, Johnny and how it was our routine to meet up for a smoke during lunch.

So I was just standing there smoking in the wind. I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't notice two big socs approach me from the back. I heard their footsteps only when they were already really close to me. I turned around abruptly. I recognized them as Bob's friends. One tall blond muscular one and the other one much shorter but as muscular as the other one if not more. I was not in the mood for dealing with them right now.

"Long time noo see" the tall one said smirking and looking at me expectantly waiting for my response. I grounded my cigarette and kept silent.

"What's the matter, can't talk? Big brother not here to defend you?" I knew they were trying to get me mad, but I just felt numb, I felt indifferent. I had no strength or energy to fight them. I braced myself for what was coming and just wanted it over with.

The tall one came up to me and punched me in the shoulder. I didn't move. He punched harder and I took a few steps back. The other one punched me from the back. They were annoyed at my lock of protest.

"So you little shit how come yu are so quiet now?" The tall one spoke again.

"You fucking trash," the other one said from the back, "you thought you're just gonna kill Bob and get away with it? No, you are gonna pay, you are gonna pay asshole." He punched me on the shoulder from the back. I was still silent. He shoved me forward and the one one caught me.

"So that little shit isn't here to save you this time. He got what was coming to him, that scum," the other one replied spitting on the ground.

At the mention of Johnny I felt like I an electric current went through my veins. My indifference was replaced by such an intense feeling of hate. I wanted to murder them. I would've done it too if I had my switchblade on me.

"You are the scum!" I yelled and started punching him with all my strength. He seemed amused by my outburst. He punched me in the stomach and I doubled over in pain. He kept hitting me in the stomach and then he hit me on the back several times. I started coughing up blood. Like I said this guy was all muscles and all and when he hit me on the back like that I fell to the ground. I felt the iron taste of blood in my mouth.

Next I tried grabbing his legs and pushing him to the ground, but the other soc was right next to me in no time. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and started punching me some more. I tried to fight back, but it was no use - he was so much bigger than me.

I was lying on the ground and he was sitting on top of me, while the other one was holding my hands. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt again and started hitting my head against the asphalt. God that hurt. My head started bleeding, but he kept hitting me. He took out a blade and traced it along my cheek. I felt the cold metal against my skin. I felt nauseous and kept tasting blood in my mouth. The other one walked around and spat in my face. I closed my eyes. I knew I was going to pass out.

I opened my eyes and looked around. I was alone lying on the ground and there were blood marks where my head was. Slowly and unsteadily I got up to my feet. I felt dizzy. Slowly I started walking in the direction of my house. All I wanted was to get there and crash on my bed. This soc, the one that did this to me I hated him so much. I have never felt so much hate in my life, not even when the socs tried to drown me. And what he said about Johnny... Johnny my thoughts trailed of. Where is Johnny, where is he now? Why can't things just be normal? I could hardly walk - things were spinning around me and it was hard to see, but finally I approached my house. I opened the door and went straight to my room without even taking my shoes off. As I walked into my room I just crashed on the bed.

I must've passed out again and when I came to it was dark outside. Darry was working late and I remembered Soda saying something about going out tonight. In a way I was kind of glad they weren't home. I didn't want to worry them.

In a way it was good that I've passed out. It gave me relief from all the thoughts about Johnny . That was the only way I could take a break from those thoughts. And now they were back. I really couldn't help it. Death of my best friend was not something I could get used to. I didn't know what hurt more the physical pain I was in or the pain from the thoughts. It was the thoughts, definitely the thoughts. If only I could numb the thoughts. At least for a little while. There was only one other way that I could think of that would help me numb the thoughts - Bucks I thought in a rush. That should do it. He really doesn't care who he sells alcohol to and I can't really bear the thoughts any longer. A few shots should put me out of my misery.

I wasted no time. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My face was all swelled up and I had a black eye. My hair was stained with blood where my head had been bleeding. I washed my face with cold water and cleaned up the blood from my hair. I was still feeling dizzy.

I opened the door to Bucks and was met by loud cheesy music inside. I didn't care. It was dark inside and I was thankful for that. First off it would make the bruises on my face less visible and second it made it more relaxing. I got to the bar and ordered a drink. Buck gave me a look and I could see hesitation in his eyes, but just for less than a second. Then he poured the drink and handed it to me. I took a sip and wrinkled my nose. It tasted funny. I hesitated for a second and then gulped the whole thing in one gulp. I ordered another drink and then another one. I continued ordering drinks until I couldn't see straight. It didn't make me stop thinking about Johnny though and it made me feel disgusted with myself for getting drunk like that. I felt shaky, my head hurt and I was 10 times more dizzy now than I was before. Suddenly I felt an urge to throw up. I ran to the bathroom. I threw up violently into the toilet. I couldn't stand straight, everything kept spinning in front of my eyes, I was shaking something awful and on top of that one thought persisted in my mind, just one - Johnny is dead!

Stumbling I started walking towards the exit. I felt worse than when I got there, and even alcohol didn't stop me from obsessing over Johnny's death.

Finally I reached my house. I opened the door, stumbling and almost falling down.

"Ponyboy what's the matter with..." Darry didn't finish his sentence, "Are... ? Are you ... drunk?" he said in disbelief.

"So what if I am?" I yelled, "And don't bug me about it, don't bug me!" I stormed into my room slamming the door behind me. I wanted to crash on my bed, but I tripped over something and fell on the floor. I didn't even feel the pain. I looked at what it was that I tripped over. It was a framed picture of the gang. Looking at it made me feel sick. There were Dally and Jonny. Johnny, he looked so real, I could practically touch him. Looking at that picture really set me over the edge. I wasn't thinking straight - the alcohol got to my head, but an idea suddenly occurred to me. I was sick of this and I wished I was dead too. I couldn't live without my best friend. If he's dead I should be dead too. The idea seemed like the right one to my overheated mind. It seemed soothing and calming . A sense of relief washed over me. It made perfect sense - I should be dead too.

Carefully I got up from the floor and went to my desk. Slowly I opened the bottom drawer and there it was - my switchblade. I put it in my back pocket. Then I tiptoed into the bathroom and locked the door. I filled the bathtub with warm water. I was still hazy and had a throbbing headache. After the bathtub was full I got in without bothering to take my clothes off. I got in and waited soaking in the warm water waiting for the veins on my wrists to start bulging out. That always happens when you soak your arms in hot water. I've always noticed that. I felt determined, but at the same time I felt very surreal - like It was a dream or a movie about someone else and I was just watching it happen. I kept waiting impatiently. Finally I could see clear blue veins bulging out on both of my wrists. I took a deep breath and took out the blade.

I considered saying a prayer or saying some sort of last words, but i didn't really know how to do it. I was almost mesmerized . I traced down my veins with my finger. I lifted the blade when suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Pony are you in there?"

"Yeah." is all I said, disappointed that I was interrupted.

"Is everything all right?"

"Yes, I just wanted to take a shower before going to bed."

"Well hurry up ok?"

"ok." I said mechanically.

I waited for him to be gone and raised the blade again. I stared at my veins and then slit quickly right across - lett wrist first then the right one. At first I felt nothing and then I saw all this blood coming out. I felt nauseous, but I didn't feel regret I felt like I was doing the right thing. I leaned against the side of the bathtub and closed my eyes. So this is it I thought vaguely.

Suddenly, there was another knock on the door.

"Ponyboy what's taking you so long?" I didn't have the strength to reply.

"Pony are you all right? What are you doing in there?" At this moment I felt really dizzy and weak and I really started to lose it. I wished it would happen already. I wished I was already dead. The next thing I heard was the noise of Darry blasting the door open. "Ponyboy, Pony...!" He yelled, "What the hell are you doing? No!" My eyes were shut so I couldn't see the expression on his face, but his voice sounded absolutely frantic. "Pony stay with me!" He yelled grabbing my arm.

"Shit what a hell Ponyboy, why are you doing this to me? Stay with me, can you open your eyes?" I opened my eyes slightly just for a second. He was frantically wrapping towels around my wrists and that's the last , thing I remembered.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N so this is the 3rd and last chapter. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Please r&r.

I opened my eyes and saw the sky above me. Blue , clear sky - not a cloud. I was confused as to where i was. I looked around - I was lying in the field of tall grass looking directly at the sky. I glanced at my wrists. Suddenly I remembered everything - the fight, getting drunk and cutting my wrists. My wrists looked unhurt.

Suddenly I saw a figure approaching me, I couldn't see who it was the figure was too far. As the figure got closer, to my complete and utter disbelief I saw that it was Johnny. He was not crippled. He was walking and there were no ugly burn marks on his arms. And the scar, that ugly scar on his cheek - it wa gone. There was no scared or defeated look in his eyes.

"Johnny!" I screamed on top of my lungs. I got up and ran towards him. "Johnny, Johnny!" I yelled."It's you, it's really you!" I hugged him, tears were streaming down my face. "It's you," I repeated in disbelief. I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to do. I was just so happy that I was seeing Johnny again. He was wearing his t-shirt and jean jacket, but somehow it wasn't all worn out, it looked new.

"Johnny," I sobbed, "I've missed you man, I've missed you so much."'

"I've missed you too Ponyboy." said Johnny.

"Your scar man," I said tracing the place where the scar used to be on his cheek, "it's gone man."

"I know." Johnny was smiling . He looked happy, but at the same time I could see concern in his eyes.

"Ponyboy," he said carefully, "do you know where you are?" I looked at Johnny, then around in disbelief,

"Is it ... is this ...?" I stuttered, "h...um, heaven?"

"Yes," Johnny nodded, "it is. Do you know why you are here?"

"So I can stay here with you forever." I responded quickly hugging him again.

"No," Johnny said, and I could see concern in his eyes. "It's not your time yet Ponyboy. I was worried about you," he added. "I've been watching you and you've been doing lots of stupid shit Ponyboy, not thinking about yourself or your brothers."

He sat down in the grass and I plopped down next to him. I stretched my arm around his back and put my hand on his shoulder.

"I really miss you man," I said my voice hoarse. "It just isn't the same, it's just not the same without you man. The other ones, they just don't dig like you do."

"I know Ponyboy," Johnny replied and there was sadness in his voice, "but you got to stay strong. I miss you too, but this is just how it is. It was worth it. It was worth saving those kids. They are going on with their lives and so will you. It's not your time yet. You are going to live, go to college, make someone of yourself, have a great life. Don't think that I don't miss you, 'cause I do, but you know what...?" He paused, "I'm happy here. What did I really have going for me over there between the beatings from my parens and the socs? I'm safe here, I'm home."

"Can I just stay here with you?" I asked stubbornly.

"You listen to me Ponyboy," Johnny said,"you got to cut the bullshit now. You got to live your life for you and for your brothers. What are you putting them through have you thought about that? What would it be for them to lose you?"

"I know," I said with a muffled sob, "but it's just isn't the same without you Jonny Cade."

"I know Pony, but you are going to be ok. Just think that I'm happy here. Would you rather have me with my parents beating me all the time or would you rather have me happy here?"

"Of course I'd rather have you happy here."

"Don't worry at the end we'll see each other again, but you've got your whole life ahead of you Ponyboy. Don't screw it up, deal?" "Deal." I said in a low voice.

I was dying for a smoke. "Can I... can I smoke here?" I asked hesitantly. Johnny nodded, and I lit up. The sun started to set . We sat there in silence looking at the beautiful colors. Just like that time in Windrixville. Silence sitting next to my friend was one of the best things I coud ever ask for. We never needed to say much to understand each other . We just knew that we got each other's back.

It was Johnny who broke the silence. "I want to ask you something Ponyboy."

"Anything."

"I want you to remember me like you are seeing me now - happy, healthy. Not the way I used to be - always beat up and scared and not the way I was almost dead in the hospital. Can you do that ? Can you remember me happy?"

I had such mixed feelings about this . I was definitely relieved to know that Johnny was happy . That actually changed the whole thing. Like I said before I didn't really believe in death after life and heaven. That's why I was so bitter after Johnny's death. In my eyes it was just the end. LIfe that was so fragile and sad was cut short so even those good moments that Johnny had while hanging out with the gang Johnny couldn't experience and enjoy any more. That was the whole reason for me bumming out so much. I viewed it as the end. I was thinking how unfair the whole thing with Johnny has been, how he could never get a break, how he was always beat up and how he didn't get to live his life and died just 16 years old. How the whole thing was such a tragedy and how unfair it was - bitter, sad, miserable end, and a black hole of nothingness after death. Now everything has changed. I had evidence in front of my eyes that it's not a black hole of nothingness. That life after death actually exists and here we are, as crazy as it sounds, in heaven. Here is Johnny right next to me. I can touch him and I can talk to him. He is real and he is happy. That's definitely changing everything. Now I could see that he is healthy and happy , that in a way it was a blessing. It was an escape from the terrible life that he had. Maybe God took him early, because he saw how unfair his life has been.

"Sure Johnnycake, I'll remember you happy, and I'm really glad that you are." I said, my voice hoarse from the smoke and tears. "Promise?"

"I promise Johnnycake, I promise."

We sat in silence for a while more. Just enjoying each others company. Having no pressure to say anything. The sunset was absolutely beautiful - gentle colors of pinks, purples and gold all mixed together.

"It's beautiful." I said and Johnny nodded.

The sun has finally set and it was dark.

"It's time." Johnny spoke softly.

"Ok," I said sheepishly, "ok Johnnycake."

"No more bullshit Ponyboy promise - for me."

"I promise Johnnycake," I replied. "I'll do it for you." We hugged and then it got really dark.

The next thing I knew I was on a hospital bed. I looked around. The doctor and the nurse were in the room at either sides of my bed.

"He's coming around," the nurse said to the doctor.

"Good, that's a good boy,"he spoke to me and patted me on the head. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm ok." I croaked.

I glanced at my wrists. They were heavily bandaged. They hurt. I must be in the psych unit I thought. That's where they put people who attempt suicide.

The image of Johnny was still in front of my eyes. Johnny was ok. He was happy. The thought was very soothing and comforting to me. The doctor's voice broke into my thoughts.

"Now why would a nice boy like you do something like this?" He was annoying.I kept silent, but I felt guilt for what I've done.

"We are going to keep you here for a few days for observation," the doctor continued, "make sure that you are stable and you wont' try anything like that again. Right now I'm letting your brothers see you that is if you want to see them of course."

"Yes please." I said quietly. I was still feeling weak.

The doc left, and a few moments later Soda and Darry walked into the room. Soda came by my bed and grabbed my arms. Darry started pacing the floor. I grabbed Soda's hand and squeezed it in my tightly. Johnny was ok. He was happy. I don't have to die. I've got to live my life for myself and my brothers and for him - for Johnny. I squeezed Soda's hand tighter. Darry was now on the other side of the bed The look in his eyes was tired and scared, but there was something else too. There was this question in his eyes. He was questioning how on earth could I have done something like this.

"I'm sorry." I said barely audible and now squeezed Darry's hand. Darry blinked kind of funny and I saw a tear escape his eye.

"I thought we lost you." He mumbled.

"I'm so sorry." I repeated, "I will never do anything like that again. I promise." I looked into his eyes and saw pain. I was consumed by guilt. Then Soda started sobbing.

I wanted to reassure them that I was ok now, that my talk with Johnny fixed everything. I wanted to share my experience with them, to let them know that Johnny was ok, but I knew they wouldn't believe me and would just think that I was delirious or that I've lost it. So I just squeezed their hands again and said simply, " I'm going to be ok, _we_ are going to be ok," and I knew that we would.


End file.
